Conditional Corrie

“Forgive me if I’ve hurt you.”

This is perhaps one of the most widely used apologies; however, it deserves some analysis before being wielded right and left.

Robitaille sees it the following way: “An apology that includes the word ‘if’ does not convey ownership of the wrong and is usually perceived as perfunctory or dismissive. Such an apology is unsatisfying to most offended parties because no admission of wrong is evident in that statement.”

We’re assuming that Corrie’s heart is in the right place, but she’s not using the best words. Her apology should change to “Forgive me for hurting you by...”

Short Sheila

“I’m sorry.”

On occasion, a simple “I’m sorry” is enough because apologies are contextual issues, as Luccioni previously stated.

However, a communication problem can arise: What is it that we’re sorry about? The consequences of what we did wrong or our wrongdoing in itself?

“Saying ‘I’m sorry’ does not work,” says Graig Yarbrough, an Allexperts.com counselor. “It is overused. It has a double meaning. It could mean that you are repentant about something, and it could mean that you are making a comment about whom you are. It tends to belittle rather than communicate that some of your behavior was mistaken. It also fails to deal with the facts. The facts are that you made a mistake.”

Key Katie

“I apologize for being so rude and hanging up on you this morning. I was proud and lost my temper, a completely wrong way to handle the situation. I would like to invite you out to lunch so that you can explain the issues again. Will you please forgive me for my pride and rudeness this morning?”

Key Katie’s apology gets five stars following Dr. Lazare’s initial guidelines:
1) Acknowledgement: She clearly states the facts: hanging up, being rude and proud, losing her temper.
2) Communication of remorse: She zeroes in on her own wrongdoing. She knows how to leave whatever the other party did on the sidelines.
3) Explanations: She covers why she hung up, even going as far as identifying her underlying attitude, pride, which usually hurts the offended party even more than the actions themselves.
4) Reparations: Katie offers to continue the dialogue at her own expense.

Additionally, Katie specifically asks for forgiveness and gives the offended party the chance of responding and forgiving - although she will have to remember that forgiveness may not be offered right then.

The words we use in our apologies matter more than we can tell.

In fact, every word we speak is made of indelible ink.

Luccioni leaves us with a simple and powerful communication principle for every context: “Communication is irreversible.”

“Once we say something, it is ‘out there,’” she says. “The words have been uttered. We can apologize, we can say, ‘I didn’t mean that...’ or ‘What I meant to say was ___,’ but the fact is that now the words have been issued, feelings possibly hurt, and relationships possibly damaged. Simply put, the best way to preclude a life of ‘apology offering’ is to be more mindful of the words we use in the first place!”

Elizabeth Clark Wickham is editor of Mujer de Hoy (http://www.mujerdehoy.org), an online Spanish magazine for women.