By Elizabeth Clark Wickham

Skier Bode Miller. Senator John Kerry. Actor Mel Gibson. Even Pope Benedict XVI.

High-profile apologies have proliferated in 2006, inspiring books such as “My Bad: 25 Years of Public Apologies and the Appalling Behavior That Inspired Them” (Paul Slansky and Arleen Sorkin) and keeping the pockets of communications consulting firms well lined.

If there’s ever a time when we are more than happy to not be in the limelight, it’s at that crucial time when we have to make amends for what we’ve done wrong - even if we don’t get to have our apology scripted.

Hypothetically, apologizing should be simple. In his book On Apology, Dr. Aaron Lazare of the University of Massachusetts Medical School boils down the apology’s anatomy to four easily identifiable parts: 1) acknowledgement; 2) communication of remorse and related attitudes; 3) explanations; and 4) reparations.

Ah, but then...what about what she did? And, in reality, we’ve been misunderstood. So we come to our confession with our brains muddled, our guns loaded, and our justifications brandished - all simplicity forgotten.

At other times, we err on the side of simplicity and don’t perceive the impact of our words. “What counts,” we say, “is the attitude, the heart.” And yet, as etiquette guru and University of Cincinnati communication professor LisaMarie Luccioni reminds us, most universities and colleges have entire majors and programs devoted to the issue of communication.

“How important are the words?” she says. “Oh-so-very. Which apology would you rather receive? ‘Look… I, uh… I, uh… I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry,’ or ‘LisaMarie, I realize that I may have embarrassed you when I _____. I apologize to you for having said this/done this.  I sincerely and genuinely beg your pardon and want you to know it will not happen again.’”

The words we say surface from the deepest part of our being. It’s not a matter of just saying the right words but of reflecting what’s really on our heart: brokenness, repentance, humility. We need to pay attention to our words so they can be the best representation of our repentance.

Types of apologies

How do we find the right words? Let’s assume the following characters are genuinely sorry and want to make amends, and then take a look at their apologies to see whether they’re the best means of expressing contrition.

Justifying Jenna

“I’m sorry I was impatient. Right then I was in a hurry, and if you would have left me alone, I wouldn’t have answered you like that.”

Jenna recognizes her own mistake but can’t help mentioning the source of her irritation. In reality, she’s justifying herself: She wouldn’t have lost her patience if it wouldn’t have been for the other person’s behavior.

“Do not ‘fog’ the issue: that is, deny, obfuscate, rush your words or in any way sound critical of the other person,” says Emmy-winning communication expert Kare Anderson, author of nine books including “Resolving Conflict Sooner.”

Why aren’t we able to let go of the other party’s negative behavior even as we apologize? Anderson explains that the primitive triune part of our brain overrides all else in times of tension.

“We always react sooner, stronger and longer to negative words and actions than positive. Thus you and I may be getting along fine, then I do one thing that bothers you and your feeling about that one thing will rise up over the previous feelings,” she says.

The result is that we tend to be more specific about the negative than about the positive.

“Reverse that instinctual response,” Anderson counsels. “Be specific about the positive things you say about others and your apology and peace-keeping will be much more effective.”

Family Fanny

“I’m sorry for getting mad. We’re like that in my family. Tee-hee. We just don’t know how to handle ourselves.”

Even though Fanny is apologizing, she’s actually found another way to pass along the blame: She identifies herself as the offender but calls out from among the sheltering ranks of her family heritage. She’s also smoothed things over with a bit of humor, but this can give the impression that she doesn’t care that much.

“Any wording that minimizes the injury or tries to shift or share responsibility diminishes the effectiveness of the apology,” says Dr. Glenn A. Robitaille, founder and president of the Internet-based Barnabus Christian Counseling Network, Barnabus.com. “Words that acknowledge injury are essential, coupled with those that convey an acceptance of responsibility.”

Poetic Paula

“I’m no good. I’ve failed you; I’ve sinned against Heaven and against you… Sometimes I think about my life and what a failure I am and I think, What good is there in me anyway?’ Please, just try to overlook the rotten person that I am… I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness. I beg you to make an exception this time. Please? Please! Please!”

Sometimes we think that the more we say, and the more “eloquently” we say it, the more evident our compunction will be - and yet this tactic can backfire on us.

Consider Poetic Paula. She gets so entangled in her confession that she loses due north. What is she really saying? She may sound spiritual, deep, but she’s skimming over the surface, stating universal facts. She hasn’t dug to the core of the problem, reaching the humiliating point of asking forgiveness for a specific offense.

In assessing whether to offer a brief or a more extensive apology, Luccioni advises: “This is a contextual issue. If I mistakenly call someone by their wrong name, a simple, ‘Please forgive me, Sue, it’s been one of those days’ should suffice. If, however, you have committed a rather gross professional error (missed an important meeting, for example) make more of an amend.”

Luccioni suggests calling or e-mailing the person with a sincere and quick apology, followed by a handwritten note, reinforcing the regret with a small gift if appropriate.