by Holley Gerth

“I’m pregnant!”
Those were the words I’d been longing to say for over two years, and instead my dear friend Heather was saying them to me as we sat outside our favorite coffee shop. Heather and I had been friends for almost six years, and during that time our lives had been almost parallel. So her news marked a crossroads in our relationship. What followed that day has been a journey of love, learning, and laughter that neither one of us would have asked for but we both have come to appreciate. We sat down recently and talked about all we’ve been through along the way.

Holley: What was it like to tell me that you were pregnant?

Heather: It was really hard. I kind’ve felt like I stole your boyfriend in high school or something (laughter). I was so excited, and yet I knew it would be hard for you. Another big part of what made it hard was feeling guilt-I knew I hadn’t done anything wrong, but I still felt bad that I had something you wanted so much.

Holley: I remember that moment so well. I had so many emotions at once. I felt shock, joy, and a little bit of sadness. I also felt guilty because I wanted to be 100% happy for you, and I couldn’t.

Heather: I remember the next day we went on a long walk and talked.

Holley: We could both feel the tension. But we knew we needed to talk about it. I think that’s one of the best things we did. It would have been so easy to avoid it. But we decided that it was important for our friendship to face the situation head on.

Heather: I remember you said “Let’s keep communicating and be open and honest. Even though we’re experiencing the opposite ends of the spectrum, let’s keep talking.” That was really valuable. I wanted to keep hearing about and listening to what you were going through, and vice versa. Also, I think it helped to just acknowledging the fact that it was going to be hard.

Holley: I remember we kept saying, “This sucks!” (laughter). It made it easier for both of us to be able to say that we both wished things were different. You wished I were pregnant too-and so did I! It wasn’t a situation we would have chosen for ourselves, and it helped to just be able to express that.

Heather: I remember we also kept saying, “I’m sorry.” I was sorry because I wanted you to be pregnant, and you were sorry because you didn’t want your sadness to taint my happiness.

Holley: But we promised that day that neither one of us would say, “I’m sorry” to each other anymore. We both knew saying that would just make us feel guilty. Because faith is important to both of us, we also both believed that this was God’s plan and He was the one who had made this decision. After that day, it seemed like things got easier.
What do you think helped us over the next few months?

Heather: Well, we just kept talking. I think that was so important. I was afraid that you would no longer confide in me about your sadness.

Holley: And I was afraid of the same thing, that you wouldn’t tell me about your happiness. But we did, and it was okay. But we also had to acknowledge that we’re both on different journeys. We had to put ourselves in each other’s shoes. We still had to ask ourselves, “How is the other person going to feel when I tell them this?” Not to the point of not sharing, just being sensitive.

Heather: Yes, I think it has been important for us to find a balance between ALWAYS talking about it and NEVER talking about it.

Holley: And being in tune with each other. You were good at that. Some days I was fine. But sometimes I had just gotten my period or been to the doctor, and I just couldn’t handle talking about baby stuff. And sometimes you were so happy and I knew it wasn’t the right time to bring up stuff about infertility. But I think we still both felt listened to and supported.

Heather: Early on, I felt like sometimes it was hard for you to be with me. And that was really difficult. I worried about that more as I got bigger because it was so obvious that I was pregnant. I was afraid you wouldn’t want to be around me. That was a part that was really hard for me-that I felt like I was hurting you when I couldn’t help it. Ahh! I hated that!

Holley: I know you worried about that. I actually didn’t feel that way most of the time. The grief that comes from infertility is so hard to explain. It’s not an “always” or “never.” It comes in waves. Sometimes I’m sad and sometimes I’m not. Sometimes seeing a pregnant woman is hard and sometimes it doesn’t affect me at all. I do know I’d be much more sad if you let that get in the way of our friendship!

Heather: That’s still hard for me to think about, and I still worry about you. But I do think that going through this together has made our friendship stronger. It’s almost like a marriage in that when you go through something hard with your spouse, you get closer. Even though it stinks sometimes, you get through it together. Even when we were in a situation that was so difficult, we knew we were still friends and we still had a relationship. It makes the friendship more secure, because you know you have a strong friendship if you can get through something like that.