The Kindred and the The Rule

An emotionally healthy woman might have two, three or a dozen kindred relationships with other women. Sometimes a sisterhood will form creating a synergy that launches individuals to unbelievable heights and catches individuals during their most serious falls. Kindreds, at their best, are people with whom you enjoy the bitterness, the sweetness and the bitter-sweetness of life.

According to The Rule, you can only have one kindred relationship with an available guy. There is one natural exception. Family is automatically excluded from the rule because they are not potential mates, no matter the age. Family can always be kindred, and hopefully yours are.

For those who are single, The Rule might seem extreme. But it pays off. Just as it protects the married person from the danger of a soul-mate relationship aside from a spouse, The Rule also protects the single person from unnecessary emotional pain.

Singlehood under The Rule

The Rule plays out like this for singles: Don’t share your heart, the deep down you, with a member of the opposite sex unless you’re interested in the possibility of a relationship, and don’t pursue more than one potential relationship at a time. To string people along is selfish and cruel. Whether you intend to or not, when you go deep emotionally you form a bond that will not easily be brushed aside.

There are two very important and practical implications for singles following The Rule. First, the behaviors you develop while you are single will carry over into your dating and married life. Singlehood is an excellent time to build the emotional discipline needed to resist lies that claim the grass is greener on the other side.  Don’t wait to adjust levels of intimacy with guy friends until you start dating someone else. Second, only pursuing one soul mate at a time limits the amount of collateral damage caused when providence, fate or your personal preferences change your desire to be with someone.

In reality, singles should really only have quasi-kindreds of relationship potential. True kindred relationships are part of your support structure. A potential mate should never be part of your emotional support. Say goodbye, and you’ll find yourself robbed of the support you’ve become dependant on, at the very time you need it the most.

One final thought on singlehood. Don’t hand the tabloids any unnecessary drama: Never seek an intimate relationship with anyone who is already in a kindred relationship, especially a relationship under agreement or oath, like dating or married couples.

Dating Under the Rule

Dating is a confusing term. Maybe your parents called it going steady. Some circles are even trying to bring back the word courting. To clear the confusion, we’ll use the term Exclusive Romantic Interest. Sure, it sounds like a medical procedure, but the acronym is a useful one. An ERI is an agreement between a girl and a guy to pursue a kindred relationship that will continue until A) they get married or B) one or both parties choose to end the agreement (aka. the break-up).

Following The Rule while dating, in addition to developing the discipline you’ll need later in life to keep a marriage strong, has the added benefit of avoiding unhealthy drama. Not only does it demonstrate character, the relationship can have a positive effect on the friends in your life looking past celebrity flakes for strong models of healthy dating.

Engagement, while extremely serious, is still an ERI with a change in the contract: Scenario A) marriage, will happen if either party doesn’t execute clause B) ending the engagement. If anything, engagements help people focus their Kindred relationships.

Marriage Under the Rule

The Rule is perhaps most important for people living in the institution of marriage. The Rule is an extremely effective way to protect a marriage from, at best, unfair comparisons and, at worst, a marriage-ending adulterous relationship. If you have a good kindred sisterhood, your girlfriends will be able to provide the emotional support you need to survive hard times without jeopardizing your marriage.

But The Rule doesn’t just help marriages. It helps you truly enjoy the entire process of finding your soul mate. And for those who choose to be single, it serves as a tool to keep from damaging other relationships and possibly compromising one’s own integrity. The Rule is hard, and it may demand giving up emotionally intimate band-aids, but The Rule is good.

Marriages can work. Numbers don’t lie. Any marriage counselor can tell you that 50% of all first marriages are successful. These are the Kindreds who have become one identity: A cute couple that people love to spend time with, those parents who other kids wish were theirs, those grandparents whose years of kindred love have built a legacy of joy that will impact generations. Compared to the eventual emptiness of short-term happiness, The Rule offers wide impacting rewards that make life worth living.