by K. Davenport

Numbers don’t lie. Anyone in the field of marriage counseling can tell you divorce rates are at 50% for first marriages and 70% for second marriages.  Unfortunately, statistics like these lost their shock value years ago, around the time when “the Cosby Show” went off the air and “Married with Children” took over. Stephen and Jamie are real people. These aren’t their real names, of course, but the pain in their lives is real, and the scars of their broken relationship will darken their hearts the rest of their lives. Stephen and Jamie didn’t live the one relationship Rule.

Their story isn’t unique; it might even be your story. Two young professionals meet at career orientation; college grad, church going, good people. Sparks fly. Chemistry happens. They get engaged. They get married. A year into the marriage the “maybe this was a mistake” thoughts start to pop-up. The Rule needs to be enacted, but they don’t know it. Instead, Jamie, who chooses single guys as best friends, fails to acknowledge the danger of sharing her struggles with these emotionally attractive companions. Stephen is uncomfortable with the amount of time Jamie is spending with other guys. He’s tempted to say something, but he fears she’ll play the “don’t you trust me” card so he does nothing. Dozens of “harmless” dinners and late night coffees later, Stephen and Jamie are in counseling. Even counseling is a day late and a dollar short, however, as the lies about happiness have been firmly planted in Jamie’s mind. She wants and gets separation. Divorce is eminent. Stephen moves in with a buddy from work and tries to move on with his life. Jamie just wants to be happy. Little does she realize the price she will pay in the long run for breaking a solemn oath for short-term happiness. The Rule would have protected the oath and possibly helped Stephen and Jamie find long-term joy.

This is The Rule: After age twenty, a person can only have one kindred relationship with an available member of the opposite sex. The kindred relationship is a beautiful, powerful and deep relationship in which two people share emotional and spiritual intimacy. Kindreds are the people who walk with you during the highs and lows of life. Kindreds get you. They know the real you. Ultimately kindred relationships are the human support structure everyone needs. They’re the joy and true spice of life.  Just like anything with true power, kindred relationships can be perverted into damaging and even evil relationships.

If you believe emotional intimacy forms a bond between hearts, and intimacy as dangerously tempting unless set in the appropriate context, you’ll understand The Rule as being more than a good idea. The Rule is more than a guideline: it is a powerful reality that can sway your own emotional health, save a marriage, and protect a family. The Rule is a life-long discipline that pays huge dividends first to dates, then to fiancées, then to spouses who then become lovers, and then to the children who delight in the legacy marriage of their parents.

The Three Kinds of Relationships

Relationships with members of the opposite sex fall into three categories: acquaintance, community member and kindred. In order to correctly apply The Rule, an accurate understanding of these categories is necessary.

An acquaintance relationship is one in which both people have met and mutually know each other. The guy who sits next to you in Algebra class, your teammate’s older brother, or your hairdresser’s husband are all good examples. These are people whom you acknowledge when you meet, ask about mutual friends or even send a Christmas card. Bottom line: you never intentionally spend time with these men, so there is little risk of an unintended soul-mate connection. Naturally most people you know fall into this category.

Categorizing relationships is a little more complex when looking at community. Community relationships are created through the normal activities and events of life.  The community category is divided into business or social community. Relationships with co-workers, sales people, or the guy who does your taxes fall under business. Your circle of friends from college, your church group, or the guys from your co-ed sports team are all examples of a social relationships.

Time spent together with this group of guys is always for the purpose of community. Business relationships are about work and getting things done. Social relationships are for fun or the collective good of the group. In addition to sharing in the purpose of the community, you also share various levels of personal information. However, once you allow a man to share in the emotional weight of your struggles, dreams and fears you have crossed into the land of kindred.