Lie #2: Competing is about personal worth.

If the competitive button is triggered too often, it can also blur the lines between performance and personal worth. In an online article, “Competing for Self-Worth: Being Chicked,” psychologist Alison Poulsen, Ph.D., explains that Western culture bases self-esteem on individual success. She says that from childhood, people are praised for excelling or winning competitions. They begin to depend on others or on their performance for self-validation.

Driscoll says that during her middle school days, she clearly found her self-worth in sports. When a fall on the court left her with a torn ACL, she felt that worth was taken from her.

“It rocked my world. Luckily, supportive family and friends still loved me even though the thing I thought defined me was taken way,” she says.

At that time, Driscoll learned that she did not have to be the best at anything to earn approval and love, which can’t be earned. She now challenges the young women on her basketball team to strive for their best when competing while not deriving their worth from their performance.

Lie #3: Competing isn’t feminine.

Despite changing times, femininity and certain types of competition still coexist in an uneasy relationship.

For starters, the stereotypes are still out there. Donna Noonan, vice president of Coaches Ministry of Fellowship of Christian Athletes (FCA), mentions one of them: Winning isn’t as important to women as it is to men.

“I haven’t found that the level of competitiveness is necessarily tied to gender,” Noonan states. “I do think women tend to be more relationship-focused and men task-focused, which can affect how we compete.”

Simon agrees that this stereotype, which creates a double standard, needs to be shattered: “If your male boss is a determined competitor, he’s often seen as tough-minded, a go-getter, and a pure winner, even if he’s not seen as a great guy. Similar behavior in a female supervisor might earn her the reputation of ‘ruthless’ or the title of ‘bitch.’ And if a woman should best a man in competition, then she’s a ‘ball buster.’”

However, what if a woman feels that she has to be a “ball buster” in order to succeed?

Today’s premium on winning, according to Simon, makes women often drive as hard as they perceive their male forerunners did. In other words, they flesh out another stereotype, this time a perception of masculine drive. Simon believes, however, that as women are treated and rewarded equally, they will shed the stereotypes and live up to their ample feminine potential, thus restoring a better sense of balance.

The key for finding competitive balance

Doris Jeanette, Ph.D., a peak performance coach, relationship expert, and author of “Opening the Heart,” also views women as the key to restoring a sense of healthy competitiveness at all levels of society. She would vouch for the elimination of all competition, which she views as “never effective or efficient” and “an old, male concept.”

“Cooperation, teamwork and relationship building are much more effective in terms of building a successful business,” she declares.

In this, Jeanette believes women are the “way showers”: “Women need to be better models than men have been. Women can show men how to win-win. Women are the ones who are bringing emotional intelligence and relationships skills into the workplace so men and women can achieve peak performance.”

Healthy competitiveness

If women could indeed be called the way showers, it’s imperative that they decide how to react when their competitive button is pushed.

The word “competition” is derived from the Latin “to strive with.” True competition, then, is actually “a subset of cooperation,” as David Light Shields, Ph.D., exposed in a keynote address at the University of Notre Dame, “Opponents or Enemies: Rethinking the Nature of Competition.” He argued that true competitors actually bring out excellence in each other that could not be achieved in isolation, while the “de-competitors” war against each other in rivalry.

Comparison fades away as each woman focuses on being the best she can be, which is the motivator of healthy competitiveness according to Sarah Krause, a correspondent with Revive Our Hearts.

“Compete to do your best, to keep yourself sharp, motivated, exhibiting excellence,” she says. “When you cross the line and wish harm or downfall to another individual or group in order to elevate yourself, it is no longer healthy. Healthy competitiveness works for the good of the whole, not the idea of ´I win, you lose.’”

Krause encourages women to follow the example of Jesus Christ, who came not to be served but to serve, and asked the same of those who would decide to follow him: “We compete within ourselves to better ourselves and ´run the race’ to win, but we don’t compete against our ‘brother.’ We seek to make him better and lift him up by our attitudes, actions, words and deeds.”

But isn’t this approach to the competitive button suicidal in today’s world?

Simon argues that, on the contrary, our current competitive struggle, ironically bidding for enjoyment of the “good life,” is what’s suicidal. He mentions the drive to succeed, fast-food nutritional choices, high-pressure jobs and relationships, and dependence on Prozac instead of lifestyle changes.

“In most Western societies we are driving ourselves entirely too hard. Our bodies and our psyches were never meant to take the abuse we heap on them daily with our success-driven lifestyles,” he says.

The turning point can come when women actually stop and assess their core values. Only then will they be able to restore a competitive balance.

It’s at the deepest level where the changes take place, as Noonan says, “I believe the first thing a person needs to do is determine what is the primary motivating factor or loyalty in your life - material success, winning trophies, praise of others, loving God, serving others.”

Modifying our behavior is possible, she says, but a truly healthy level of competitiveness comes through inner transformation, when our core values take on an eternal perspective.

The competitive button is here to stay. While it can’t be deactivated, correct internal wiring will trigger healthy results...and bring about a desperately needed competitive balance.

Elizabeth Clark Wickham is editor of Mujer de Hoy, an online Spanish magazine for women. She currently lives in Austria with her husband, Andy, and baby daughter, Judith.