Author Paula Friedrichsen’s love relationship with her husband survived an affair she had with a man her husband trusted. Paula’s latest book, The Man You Always Wanted is the One You Already Have was released this spring. She sat down with ZIA to share her story.

ZIA: When you married your husband, did you ever think you would have an affair?

Absolutely not! My plan was to be a faithful loving wife. I loved my husband and I wanted to be a blessing in his life. 

ZIA: How did you meet the man you had an affair with?

Paula: My husband, Jeff and I had just relocated to a new town, and although he was not a Christian at the time, Jeff was supportive of my desire to get involved in my new church.  In the course of time I became close friends with the pastor and his wife, in addition to others in the church congregation. We began socializing together and enjoying each others company. Sometimes my husband would be at these gatherings, such as at dinner parties-but many times I would get together with my new friends during the day while my husband worked. The pastor and I had similar personalities so we hit it off and could laugh and talk for hours at a time. 

ZIA: When did you think you were starting to “fall in love” with him?

Paula: Over several years our friendship grew and flourished, eventually escalating to the point where we were talking on the phone every day. Of course my husband Jeff had no idea that the pastor and I were in daily contact-this was something I was hiding from him. In my gut I knew that spending time with a man that was not my husband was a dangerous thing to do. Looking back I can see that it was almost as if we were “dating.” Spending time on the phone almost everyday I found about his childhood… his likes and dislikes… his dreams for the future… I knew way too much about him-and knowledge brings intimacy.

ZIA: Did you still feel like you loved your husband?

Paula: Yes! I was terribly conflicted at that time during my life. I loved my husband and knew what a good man he was. He was steady, he was solid, and he was a good father.

ZIA: When did you realize you were having an affair?

Paula: Well, all hell broke loose one hot July afternoon. My little boy was down for a nap, and I was having my daily chat on the phone with the pastor...when he revealed his interest in me as more than just a friend. I should have responded by slamming down the phone and running the other way! But I was in way too deep for that. In fact, I felt very responsible for encouraging him by my flirtatious behavior. I had known that having such a close relationship with a man other than my husband was completely wrong. I knew in my heart of hearts that God had already told me to leave that church. You see, several months before the pastor propositioned me, I had had a dream. In my dream I saw the pastor come around the corner of a building. As he approached me, I heard the voice of God above and behind me saying, “You are spending too much time together!” I sat bolt upright in bed, knowing I had just had an encounter with God. I was literally shaking with fear.

I knew God was telling me to leave that church immediately. But leaving a church I loved so dearly seemed too drastic.

ZIA: Did you have sex with him?

Paula: No, thankfully, I did not. The romantic attachment went on for three months (by phone), but never progressed to a sexual relationship. This was due to two things; God’s grace in helping me to avoid it, and some good choices on my part (finally!).

ZIA: If you didn’t have sex why was it an affair?

Paula: Because as a woman, I know that when my heart is engaged-I’m engaged. When my heart is divided-I’m divided. And honestly, it felt like I had given a piece of my heart away, and I didn’t know how to get it back. How do you stop caring for someone you shouldn’t care for? How do you stop feeling attracted to him? I didn’t know how to back-peddle and get out of the mess I had made of my life. It was at that point that I prayed to God for help. And what I found out is, although there are no easy answers if you’ve given a piece of your heart away, there is a way out. The next thing I did was to make the choice to turn my heart, mind, and body towards the man I was married to. I had to make the choice to stop remembering. This was pivotal in my recovery! Reclaiming the pieces of my heart that I had foolishly given away meant making a conscious effort to stop replaying the memories of my inappropriate relationship with the pastor.

ZIA: How did the truth come out?

Paula: Eventually the elders found out and I was asked to leave the church immediately, and within a few months the pastor was also asked to leave the church. At that time I had to tell my husband what had been going on. To say he was disappointed would be an understatement. Jeff was understandably hurt and angry, but he forgave me.

Paula: We lived in a small town at the time so the gossip was almost unbearable. Of course the whole story became blown out of proportion and most people believed the worst. My husband became a shelter for me during that time. As gossip grenades were being tossed around town (via the telephone) my husband became a shelter for me. He stood by me, he believed me, and he tenderly cared for me during the worst of the storm. 

ZIA: You stayed married to your husband. What did it take to keep the marriage together?

Paula: First and foremost it took my husband’s forgiveness and patience. For my part it took my eyes being opened to the fact that the man I always wanted was the one I already had.

ZIA: How did your understanding of love change through this process?

Paula: I guess I had always heard that “love was a choice” but I never saw it as clearly as I do now. After the affair came to an end I had to make the choice to dwell on and recall the love I had for my husband-and to turn away from the temptation of being fulfilled and satisfied in the affirmation and attention of another man. 

ZIA: Now how do you describe true love?

Paula: I describe true love as the kind of love that flows from a true heart. Marriage can be hard sometimes, and I’ve come to believe that in and of myself I cannot be the wife Jeff needs me to be. But with God’s help I can be faithful, steadfast, supportive, and kind.

ZIA: You recently wrote a book about women and fidelity called, “The Man You Always Wanted is the One You Already Have.” What do you hope women will discover when they read it?

Paula: I have found that familiarity and the busyness of life can obscure the qualities and attributes women once admired in their husbands. My book is an “eye opener”, helping women to realize that their prince charming really is the big lug lying next to them in bed each night.

After my flirtatious and destructive relationship with the pastor ended, I ran for the safety and security of my husband. It was as if the clouds had parted on a deeply overcast day and the sun shone brightly for the first time in months. With complete clarity I comprehended my admiration, desire, and love for Jeff-and it has only deepened with time.

I hope that as women read my book they learn to rediscover, return, and delight in their husbands. It’s my prayer that as they revisit the passion that drew them into the arms of their husbands in the first place.