By Holley Gerth

Ashley Allen crossed the finish line of her first marathon in San Diego last summer. But it’s not the first race she has run. The biggest and most important race in her life began over fifteen years ago on the day her mother died. Like many races, it began with a gunshot. But this time the gun was aimed at her mother and held by her father. Ashley learned in the parking lot of her middle school that she would never go home again. That moment marked the first step in a marathon of hurt, forgiveness, healing, and faith that has made her the amazing woman she is today.

I sat down recently with Ashley to talk about the remarkable race she has run the last fifteen years. As we sipped coffee at her trendy kitchen table and enjoyed the sunshine streaming through the windows, our conversation turned to the darker subject of how she lost her mom. I first asked her what her childhood was like before that terrible day. She spent most of her time, “riding a bike, catching turtles, and jumping on trampolines-normal kid stuff.” When I inquired about her parents’ marriage, she said she knew they fought but wasn’t aware of any abuse. Only after her mother’s death did she learn her mother had been physically hurt by her father and even moved into a women’s shelter for a few weeks.

The day her father killed her mother was like any other Friday for Ashley. Her mother had recently left her father and was living with her two kids in a house across town. Ashley didn’t notice her father’s parked car at the end of the street where he was waiting until the kids went to school that morning. Soon after Ashley left, He came to the house where an argument ensued. It ended tragically when he shot his wife at close range. He contemplated turning the gun on himself but instead called the police and turned himself in.

After her mother’s murder, Ashley’s father was sentenced to life in prison. Ashley suddenly found herself without a home or parents. She remembers lying on her bed at her Aunt and Uncle’s house crying for hours. But slowly she realized she had a choice. She could let this tragedy defeat her or make her stronger. She could give in to the pain or allow it to become a teacher. She could become bitter or better.

Looking at her across the table as we talk, it is clear which choice she made. Ashley is radiant with a light that comes from deep inside. Her bright smile invites people into her life. You would never guess this thirty-year old vibrant kindergarten teacher and marathon runner has experienced so much pain. It is obvious she is so much more than a survivor-she is a winner of this race.

When I asked Ashley about the lessons she’s learned from the two marathons she’s run-one with her body and one with her heart-she shared several hard-earned insights.

You never run the race alone. Ashley ran her first marathon in San Diego with twenty thousand people. When she got tired or discouraged, she looked around and saw other people coming alongside her. It gave her strength to know she wasn’t alone. When she lost her mom, Ashley remembers people coming alongside her as well. Cards, flowers, and food poured in. She decided then that she would not shut her heart just because she had been hurt. Through the years, she has always worked hard to keep a close group of friends around her. She knows in life and in marathons, you can’t make it through the race alone.

Forgiveness is a process. Just like a race isn’t done in one step, forgiveness isn’t over in a moment. Ashley is still working on forgiving her father. For almost ten years after her mother’s death, she didn’t speak to him. Then Ashley says God arranged amazing circumstances to bring her father back into her life.

As a college student Ashley placed an ad in a church newsletter for a roommate. When Gina answered the advertisement and the two began talking, Ashley was stunned to discover her new roommate had a connection to her father. Gina’s mother was a prison chaplain and knew her father well. The next day, Gina’s mother called. She explained to Ashley that her dad had become a totally different person. She wondered if Ashley would like to visit him. Ashley didn’t know how to respond at first, “I just had to process that for a while. I didn’t know if I was ready.”